When I was fifteen, I was raped by my first boyfriend. I was naive and stupid and thought that I could trust him and he would respect me. After seven years of suppressing and denying what happened, I could no longer hold it in. In June 2011, I was watching a rerun of Law and Order: SVU where they were talking about sexual assault statistics. For some reason, I told my brother’s girlfriend about the incident, and from there I realized that I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I started writing all of my feelings and thoughts and memories out trying to work through them, but I still felt so lost. He raped me seven years ago, but I am a happily married woman with a beautiful young daughter. How could I bring this up after so long and wasn’t I happy? Yes, I was, but at the same time, I wasn’t… because I never dealt with being raped. It had affected my life and my reactions, but I never realized it. Plus, after dealing with the rape and talking about how I was bullied as a young child, a repressed memory was triggered by a joke my husband made… one I would prefer to forget. I was 12 and assaulted by a girl bully who pretended to be my friend. Dealing with same-sex assault has been the hardest challenge I have faced, and one that I have placed on the back burner for now. Not trying to repress or suppress it, but trying not to overwhelm myself with too much, as one attack is hard enough. This process started six months ago, and I have come so far from that first night. I still have a long way to go, but I am now in therapy, my husband knows my whole story, and I have online support that has been very crucial in my beginning stages of recovery.
Just thought I’d share a little bit about my story before I started talking about what else is happening in my journey (i.e., my therapist appointment yesterday and my decision to report a rape to the police). I’ll leave those for another post though.