A few weeks ago, when I went to the therapist, I had to address a nightmare where my rapist tried to confront me with my allegations. For months now, I have wanted to confront my ex-boyfriend with how he made me feel, but the night I had the bad dream, I was petrified of him, running from him and so scared when I was cornered in a room with only the two of us. He kept trying to persuade me that it was only sex, and not rape. Luckily, my daughter walked into the room and woke me up. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.
After the dream, I couldn’t understand why I felt so petrified and pathetic in my dream when, for months, I’ve wanted to confront him and let him know that he raped me. After talking to my therapist about the dream and my feelings of confronting him, he gave me homework… write two letters to both of my attackers letting them know what they did, how they made me feel and what I want them to do with the information I have given them. I wrote the letter to (lets call him) J in like 30 minutes. Emotional and angry. But when I tried to write the letter to (lets call her) K, it took me three hours to get down only three sentences. I didn’t wanna face her, not even in a letter written for myself. It was pathetic! I guess I am just not ready to deal with her, but I am him. Here is the first letter that I shared with the therapist Wednesday…
For the last seven years, I have been plagued by the memory of you. I have held so much blame and guilt for the night that I couldn’t comprehend. On March 5, 2004 (yes, I remember the day), you raped me. I told you over and over NO, I’M NOT READY and PLEASE STOP but you wouldn’t. I was so petrified of what my first experience would be like, and in no way, did I want my first time to be rape. I did NOT consent to have sex with you. It was like you couldn’t even hear me. You barely said two words to me and couldn’t even acknowledge my pleas for you to not pursue me. Not to mention how crappy you made me feel (all over again) the next morning when I found out you were trying to have sex with another girl. She begged me to break up with you after they found out I was your girlfriend and NOT your stalker, but I felt like you took something precious from me and I didn’t feel like I had any right to break up with you. I felt like a slut for “giving it up” at such an early age, but the FACT is, is that you took it. I guess in the three weeks we dated, I didn’t “put out” soon enough for you. You stole my virginity from me. I didn’t give it to you. I wanted to wait. I wanted to do it when I was ready, and I guess it was dumb of me to expect you to RESPECT my wishes! I wish I never met you! You were only after one thing the whole time we were together, weren’t you? Time after time, all I can ever remember is how you kept trying to get me to “pleasure” you. Why, when I said no those times, you stopped? Why couldn’t you stop the night you raped me? Did your friends think you were cool when you told them we had sex? Did it make you feel like a man when I laid there pleading with you to stop? You have kept me silent for too long. I have held this burden for almost 8 years, and I will no longer hold this in anymore. I am not to blame. I am not the guilty party here. What you did was a crime. You have no right pressuring someone when they tell you they are not ready. NO MEANS NO. Not once did I say yes or consent to anything that happened that night. Because of you, I now have to find a way to put back the pieces of my life. Because of you, I am in therapy trying to undo what you did. Because of you, I struggle to find that happiness that I so deserve! I want you to feel remorse for what you did to me and how you have made me feel for the last 7 years. I want you to know how violated you made me feel and how sick I get when I think of you. I never could understand how a boyfriend could rape his girlfriend. If so, I probably would have told someone. I wish I did. I trusted you. You came into my house and used all those vulnerabilities against me to get your way! I want you to admit what you did and sincerely be sorry for raping me. In fact, how about this, I want you to plead guilty when I report your butt to the police. Yes, I am reporting you. It’s taken me seven years, but it will be on police record. This is not my burden to bear anymore… it’s yours. This is all on you. Stand up to it. You can only run from it for so long.
Your victim no more
I’m sure I will edit or add onto this, but for now, this is where I am. I hate the fact that for over 7 years, I couldn’t call it rape. I still struggle with seeing what I did wrong and not him. I mean, maybe I gave him mixed signals. Maybe he thought no means yes. It doesn’t! I am tired of being silent. I am tired of this being MY burden to bear. The silence is the hardest part! I want to tell my family. I want to be free of this. I want to report it. And when I am prepared, I WILL. If the victim advocates won’t help me, I will figure something out!
Thanks for listening.