Seeing the Effects Rape has Caused

Sorry I haven’t been on here in a while. I have been dealing with personal issues that have truly crippled the person I used to be before dealing with being a rape victim. It turns out that I was able to manage life (however much in denial I was) before I defined it as rape. Now that I am a victim, I see how much it  has truly affected my life and how upside down I feel most days.

See, I met my husband four years ago. I told him back then there was something that happened with my first boyfriend, but I could never call it rape, he did. In fact, I remember that “something” affecting how I reacted to guys when it was brought up again. I’m not proud of how I reacted, but I was trying to protect myself. Anyways, when I told him back then, he didn’t push me into the intimacy part of a new relationship (like every single guy before him did). I was comfortable with him and fell in love with him. We married six months later.

Turns out we were having difficulties for a while, but I was never strong enough to stand up for myself (or I thought that was how I was supposed to be as a girlfriend, wife, mother). So when I started to isolate myself and do things other than what he had been used to, it really aggravated him. Would tell me I am changing. That if I just got off of my support group, then things would be back to normal, etc. None of that was a key to a healthy relationship as I started to see that we didn’t have a healthy relationship.

About three or four weeks ago, I started having multiple panic attacks a day for five days until the “big” one came. I literally was lying on the dining room floor so dizzy and ready to pass out, crying my eyes out, barely able to breathe because the thought of moving to a different state with all of my marital problems put me in a tailspin. Needless to say, the hubby has not been supportive at all. It took him until I reached my breaking point before he would see that things NEEDED to change or we wouldn’t make it.

I reached the point where I literally thought “too little too late”. The thought of death was more appealing than living how I was living or putting my child through a divorce. I still wonder if it is a better option, but I know that I could never kill myself (and I thank God for that). My faith and my fear of dying has held me up when nothing else would. Not that I have practiced my faith, but what I do know helped me not give up when all else failed me.

I often wonder if my husband is doing all of this because I told him things have to change, if he is doing it because he is afraid to lose his daughter (not me), or if he is doing it because he is afraid of another failed marriage. Either way, he is trying, and I feel like I need to let him try… even though he’s had many chances and things get good, and then turn sour quickly. I really don’t know if I will make it through another one of those episodes. He told me after four years of marriage that he finally took down some wall he had up in our marriage. I was like what the heck?! You think I set you up because I didn’t tell you all my problems before we married and you have a WALL up???

Anyways, I say all of this because it truly has made me see how my past has affected my present. It pains me to see the effects. It’s not like I can go back to being in denial about our issues, I just have to find a way to work with them or walk away. And last thing anyone wants to do is walk away. I love my husband, but I need support. He can tell I am depressed. I’ve been depressed for a while now. Even while writing this, I am in a fog… distancing myself from any kind of real emotion and just overwhelmed with the thought of pushing forward to heal. It’s sad. I really am an optimistic woman. I’ve just been torn down so much that I feel myself protecting myself from anything… like I am the one with the barricade around my heart not letting anything in, until I am ready.

I really love being inspirational and sharing information on this blog, but I thought I’d share a little bit about what I am going through lately. None of it has been easy. I am still going through counseling, finally scheduled my depression evaluation (just in case meds could help me get a hold of things for now — never permanently — hate meds really, but I NEED HELP), and am searching other avenues to help me heal.

What ways have helped you through your journey?

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6 thoughts on “Seeing the Effects Rape has Caused

  1. I’m sorry I’m a little short on words tonight, but I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you, and I can completely relate to a lot of what you wrote about in this post. The past few days have been particularly rough, so I don’t feel very confident in any answers that I would provide to the question you pose, but I’ll attempt to provide an answer when things are going a little better. Thinking of you and rooting for you as you tackle the pain in your past and present.

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    • I know we all have rough days. Some days are better. Some, not so much. I totally get it. Thank you for your comment and kind words. Take care of yourself right now. I hope you feel better! Thank you again.

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  2. Hi Kris, I am sorry that it has been so tough on you lately. You have every right to feel the way you feel. I think your husband has a very hard time understanding just how much an assault affects a person on the inside. He is probably eager to understand but he probably doesn’t know how, what, or if he should ask.

    You asked, “What ways have helped you through your journey?”

    Well, I am in the beginning of my journey, but my blog helps. Therapy helps but it is so draining. Mostly I try to find a good balance between healthy distractions, and facing my emotions. It’s not easy.

    Like Worth Waiting For said, you are in my thoughts.
    If it is okay (((hugs)))

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    • Thank you Jaime. Therapy has helped me also. Some things are a little deeper than therapy can handle when it’s not in your every day life. And that’s where I am at because my husband admitted to me that he DIDN’T want to deal with this. So now that he is willing, it will help, since he agreed to go to my therapy session on the 7th 🙂

      I’m so sorry for all who have to start this journey. I started trying to heal 7 months ago and it’s been a roller coaster for sure. Make sure you have supportive people around you. That seems to make the difference. I used to be a VERY optimistic person a few months ago, but I got worn down by dealing with this alone and being controlled by my husband. Support is KEY. I know that now. He knows it too. We’re a work in progress. Thank you again 🙂

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  3. I am new to your blog, but my heart goes out to you and your struggles. As I set here reading through your post I am crying. The struggle is so hard and so painful. Keep fighting and remember your are worth the fight. I myself have been struggling over the past five or six years to just really find myself, to remember my worth, and to find my strength. And slowly I am finding myself again. Keep pushing through, don’t give up, you can do it and you are not alone. Also, a wonderful book that has helped, along with the woman who wrote it is called “When I Am Her” here is the link if you want to take a look http://www.chivonmorris.com/ I can’ stress enough how much this has touched my life and helped me to heal.

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    • Thank you findingmyworth. I will definitely look into it. Thank you for the inspirational words. It’s amazing how long this takes to help us get to a point where we can feel happiness and have healthy lives. I’d love to know what a healthy relationship looks like. And I am doing my best not to give up. I, too, am a huge work in progress. I’d love to see who Kris really could be. I mean, she must have potential somewhere, right? (And yes, I was talking about myself in third person lol. Sometimes I am mommy, wife, daughter, friend, but never KRIS. It just makes me wonder who KRIS is and not what everyone else sees her as. Thank you for your kind words. 🙂

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