I seem to have these moments where I am all giddy and ready to take on the world and then get to the point where I feel I have accomplished absolutely nothing! I get stuck in a routine, an unproductive routine, that makes me beat myself up over. Like today.
I so wanted to organize all my online stuff but all I did was fix stuff that wasn’t broke or make changes that were so nitpicky that it wouldn’t matter to most. I so wanted to make a powerful post about how much I have learned. But I’m going crazy in my head.
Nothing is cohesive. Nothing is perfect. But I want it to be. I went from inpatient and outpatient programs most of the day to sitting in a hotel with my three year old all day. My sanity is getting the best of me and my lack of motivation to take my pills as scheduled is making me shaky and unbalanced. I truly know they work but for some reason I’m losing that motivation I had.
The biggest motivator I had today was thinking about writing a book or creative journal or actually keeping a blog going. Now those are things I’d love to do. Not worry about my hyper vigilance. Not worry about being alone or people walking by my window. The good things. The coloring my daughter and I did. The letters she was writing. The “p” sounds she was learning. Lots of good. But…
Why can’t I focus on the good things??? Emotional and mental issues seem to be my biggest struggle. Finding my faith and facing my past are huge. One day I will. One day it will all be easily meshed into a beautiful me!