Questioning My Rape

In the last week or so, I have been looking back at my past journal entries. Some of them are goofy, but then, some are very insightful.

The entry that stuck out in my mind today was the day after I started talking about my past rapes. I started questioning whether or not I had been raped. I feel this is relevant because many people who were raped start self doubting and worrying that they were making things up in their head.

Anyways, this is my writing from July 22, 2011. Would be interest to see if anyone else felt the same way when dealing with their abuse.

—–

Even after all I am writing and reading, there is still something in my head telling me that it wasn’t rape and it as just a misunderstanding that I caused. He didn’t “force” me or “threaten” me, did he? Is this a fine line I should never cross? Denial likes to sleep in. That’s why I want to write it!

Did I bring this upon myself? Do I like playing the victim> Is this a way for me to feel better about sinning? Is it really force or threat if he doesn’t say much and doesn’t hit me? Is there a difference between rape and sexual assault? If so can I really use the R-word? Why do I have to dwell on this? I have been married for almost 4 years, have a beautiful 3 year old, and it happened 9 years ago. Should I just let it go as if it never happened? Does anything I do or say make the situation any different? Who even defines what the R-word means?

So many self doubting questions come into my mind. Why did I let this happen to me? Why do I fell I need to tell my family? What good will it even do? Why does Jack’s life get to be good after the event? Why does he get to be married? Shouldn’t his wife know the truth? Is that petty? Will they call me a liar? Should I message him on Facebook and ask if he has found God and changed since High School? Does any of this even make a difference? I have a lot of praying and faith to rely on… a lot!

I just really want to get my story out. I don’t want anyone else to feel the way I feel. I feel alone right now. On the internet I haven’t been able to find any similar circumstances like mine. Am I the only one this has happened to? If so, I hope it ends with me and my story!

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One thought on “Questioning My Rape

  1. Hi,
    I just read your blog and while I was reading I was shocked about how similar our stories are.
    Especially the thing about not knowing whether or not it was rape, hating him for doing this to me, hating myself for letting him and not saying a word and even after the whole incident I just let him get away with it and that’s probably the thing I regret the most about it all. Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why didn’t I just say no? Why didn’t I tell him to stop? Why did I let him get away with it? Am I to blame if I didn’t do anything against it? Why is he happily living his life without any consequences of his disgusting actions and I’m the one broken?
    It’s unfair, it’s wrong and you didn’t deserve what happened to you!
    Just please know you are not alone in this! Yes, 9 years is a long time, but please take all the time you need for healing, don’t let anyone tell you to just get over it, that is not for them to decide.
    I’ve been going to a therapist which is specialized on trauma and I can only suggest this to anyone who went through such a situation!
    Take care of yourself and know you are not alone with this, there’s so many women (and men) who are going through the same aftermath! Stay strong! Sending you lots of love from Germany! ❤️

    Like

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