Messaged My Rapist

My message to him:

Hi Jack.

Do you remember me? Cause I sure remember you. We only dated for 6 weeks in high school. But for the last 8 years, I have been plagued by the memory of you. I have held so much blame and guilt for the night that I couldn’t comprehend. On March 5, 2004 (yes, I remember the day), you raped me. I told you over and over NO, I’M NOT READY and PLEASE STOP but you wouldn’t. I was so petrified of what my first experience would be like, and in no way, did I want my first time to be rape. I did NOT consent to have sex with you. It was like you couldn’t even hear me. You barely said two words to me and couldn’t even acknowledge my pleas for you to not pursue me. Not to mention how crappy you made me feel (all over again) the next morning when I found out you were trying to have sex with other girls. They begged me to break up with you after they found out I was your girlfriend and NOT your stalker, but you took something precious from me and I didn’t feel like I had any right to break up with you. I felt like a slut for “giving it up” at such an early age, but the FACT is, is that you took it. I guess in the three weeks we dated, I didn’t “put out” soon enough for you. You stole my virginity from me. I didn’t give it to you. I wanted to wait. I wanted to do it when I was ready, and I guess it was dumb of me to expect you to RESPECT my wishes! I wish I never met you! You were only after one thing the whole time we were together, weren’t you? Time after time, all I can ever remember is how you kept trying to get me to pleasure you. Why, when I said no those times, you stopped? Why couldn’t you stop the night you raped me? Did your friends think you were cool when you told them we had sex? Did it make you feel like a man when I laid there pleading with you to stop? You have kept me silent for too long. I have held this burden for 8 years, and I will no longer hold this in anymore. I am not to blame. I am not the guilty party here. What you did was a crime. You have no right pressuring someone when they tell you they are not ready. NO MEANS NO. Not once did I say yes or consent to anything that happened that night. Because of you, I now have to find a way to put back the pieces of my life. Because of you, I am in therapy trying to undo what you did. Because of you, I struggle to find that happiness that I so deserve! I want you to feel remorse for what you did to me and how you have made me feel for the last 8 years. I want you to know how violated you made me feel and how sick I get when I think of you. I never could understand how a boyfriend could rape his girlfriend. If so, I probably would have told someone. I wish I did. I trusted you. You came into my house and used all those vulnerabilities against me to get your way! I want you to admit what you did and sincerely be sorry for raping me. This is not my burden to bear anymore… it’s yours. This is all on you. Stand up to it. You can only run from it for so long. You might not have thought that much of me, but that doesn’t mean I am worthless. How do you live with what you did? Oh I sure hope you didn’t hurt anyone else too!

Sincerely,
Your victim no more

His response:

Im sorry you feel like this after 8 years but I was a virgin too. In no way did you act as if that time wasn’t consensual. We then repeated the act. We also went and ate years after and you said nothing. I do not know what this is exactly about. It was high school, relationships don’t last that long. Im sorry you feel this way.

My reply:

Wow. This isn’t surprising at all. EXCEPT for the fact that you told me that you told me that you had been with someone before. For the fact that I told you I wasn’t ready. You know know what, I wasn’t even mentally there the that night because I couldn’t believe what was happening. It’s called shock. I was hoping someone would walk in because that’s how petrified I was. Oh boy i wish i reported you. You don’t know what this is about? It’s about rape jackass. The FACT that I said no and you couldn’t respect my wishes. After that night it didn’t matter what anyone did to me because I was a slut for “giving it up” to you. I was damaged goods. You did that to me. And NO we didn’t go out to eat years after. You told me through MySpace that I was the best girlfriend you ever had at the time. I’m not stupid. I know high school relationships don’t last. But really why could I say no the other times and you not listen that time. I told Krystal back then but she told me she didn’t wanna think it was a possibility that you raped me so I suppressed it for a long time. THAT’S what this is about. Because every time people mention old boyfriends or something is said about virginities I breakdown and cry. Do you even remember what happened that night? I told you my mom was going on a date and told me I could go to the movies with you. You were helping your sister move and said you could come over real quick and tell them you were doing to the store to get drinks. Why would you think I would wanna lose my virginity by a quickie. You think that it was fun for me to watch you run to the bathroom (doing who the heck knows) and then grabbing your clothes and leaving? Then to wake up the next morning and find out that you were trying to hook up with priscilla. Yeah. If you hadn’t raped me the night before, I so would have broken up with you. The only reason I stayed with you was because you stole something from me. Something precious to me. I couldn’t believe that a boyfriend could rape a girlfriend. I looked it up and looked it up and couldn’t comprehend what you did to me. I felt so much blame and guilt and shame because of that. It might have taken me a while to come to grips with your actions, but I refuse to stay silent because you think I’m a slut or whatever you think of me. Do you remember me consenting? Saying yes? From what your response was, doesn’t seem like you remember anything. Maybe you should look up stuff about rape victims because you’d see how you’ve made me feel. Stay in denial if that’s what makes you sleep better at night. Just hope nobody you know is ever raped. Denial might save you for a bit. But I know the truth and God knows the truth. Own up to it.

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Seeing the Effects Rape has Caused

Sorry I haven’t been on here in a while. I have been dealing with personal issues that have truly crippled the person I used to be before dealing with being a rape victim. It turns out that I was able to manage life (however much in denial I was) before I defined it as rape. Now that I am a victim, I see how much it  has truly affected my life and how upside down I feel most days.

See, I met my husband four years ago. I told him back then there was something that happened with my first boyfriend, but I could never call it rape, he did. In fact, I remember that “something” affecting how I reacted to guys when it was brought up again. I’m not proud of how I reacted, but I was trying to protect myself. Anyways, when I told him back then, he didn’t push me into the intimacy part of a new relationship (like every single guy before him did). I was comfortable with him and fell in love with him. We married six months later.

Turns out we were having difficulties for a while, but I was never strong enough to stand up for myself (or I thought that was how I was supposed to be as a girlfriend, wife, mother). So when I started to isolate myself and do things other than what he had been used to, it really aggravated him. Would tell me I am changing. That if I just got off of my support group, then things would be back to normal, etc. None of that was a key to a healthy relationship as I started to see that we didn’t have a healthy relationship.

About three or four weeks ago, I started having multiple panic attacks a day for five days until the “big” one came. I literally was lying on the dining room floor so dizzy and ready to pass out, crying my eyes out, barely able to breathe because the thought of moving to a different state with all of my marital problems put me in a tailspin. Needless to say, the hubby has not been supportive at all. It took him until I reached my breaking point before he would see that things NEEDED to change or we wouldn’t make it.

I reached the point where I literally thought “too little too late”. The thought of death was more appealing than living how I was living or putting my child through a divorce. I still wonder if it is a better option, but I know that I could never kill myself (and I thank God for that). My faith and my fear of dying has held me up when nothing else would. Not that I have practiced my faith, but what I do know helped me not give up when all else failed me.

I often wonder if my husband is doing all of this because I told him things have to change, if he is doing it because he is afraid to lose his daughter (not me), or if he is doing it because he is afraid of another failed marriage. Either way, he is trying, and I feel like I need to let him try… even though he’s had many chances and things get good, and then turn sour quickly. I really don’t know if I will make it through another one of those episodes. He told me after four years of marriage that he finally took down some wall he had up in our marriage. I was like what the heck?! You think I set you up because I didn’t tell you all my problems before we married and you have a WALL up???

Anyways, I say all of this because it truly has made me see how my past has affected my present. It pains me to see the effects. It’s not like I can go back to being in denial about our issues, I just have to find a way to work with them or walk away. And last thing anyone wants to do is walk away. I love my husband, but I need support. He can tell I am depressed. I’ve been depressed for a while now. Even while writing this, I am in a fog… distancing myself from any kind of real emotion and just overwhelmed with the thought of pushing forward to heal. It’s sad. I really am an optimistic woman. I’ve just been torn down so much that I feel myself protecting myself from anything… like I am the one with the barricade around my heart not letting anything in, until I am ready.

I really love being inspirational and sharing information on this blog, but I thought I’d share a little bit about what I am going through lately. None of it has been easy. I am still going through counseling, finally scheduled my depression evaluation (just in case meds could help me get a hold of things for now — never permanently — hate meds really, but I NEED HELP), and am searching other avenues to help me heal.

What ways have helped you through your journey?