Choosing to Move Forward

It’s been a while since I have been on here. Guess it’s time for a little update on my life.

  1. Started therapy in September
  2. Reported my second rape in October
  3. Separated and filed for divorce in November
  4. Been trying to deal with my first rape.

victim decide to survive

Months ago, I decided that I needed to stop playing games and choose to move forward whether it be with my family or not. As I am sure I mentioned, I spent the Summer in the hospital because of suicidal thoughts that I couldn’t escape. My life was going nowhere and I felt so trapped. I wasn’t in a good place at all. Once I started therapy in September, I realized that this was my time to fight. No more getting walked on, no more hiding my pain, no more “playing nice”. I needed to become healthy and that includes healthy relationships.

When I decided this, I thought I would lose my mom as she was toxic, but I soon realized that my husband was more toxic. Every time I would take a step in the right direction, he would pull me back 4 steps. This was no good. The constant circles and the bickering were killing me inside.

I remember sitting outside in my car so determined to finally report my rape. Days later, another argument about things we talked about for a whole year and a half. That was when I decided that my marriage came second and I came first. I was more worried about losing myself again than losing my marriage. Maybe my husband could see that because that was when things just started crumbling.

I honestly cant remember when or how I went to the police station to report but I did. The women’s center lady came with me and it was done within 30 minutes. I still haven’t heard back from them, but I am not so worried about that right now. At least it is filed. I have been trying to do that for a year and have been kicking myself for not speaking up for 8 years. So it was about time.

To be honest, I think that my marriage ended the way it did because I would not have sex with my husband once. I have only turned him down twice in 5 years, and both times he threw a fit saying “Let me know when I can touch MY WIFE” and proceeding to leave or sleep on the couch. If anyone has been a victim, they know that sometimes flashbacks and nightmares mess things up in your head. He couldn’t understand that. All he knew was that he spent all this money and did all this stuff for our date night, only to get no sex.

I see my therapist every Tuesday and most of the time we are and were talking about things that happened within our marriage. I have realized a lot wrong with my marriage and things I need to work on. But I have also realized that I deserve better and my husband is unwilling to do that, no matter how many times he NOW begs to get back together, after HE filed for divorce (which he blames on his sister).

But besides that, every now and then, I am able to speak of my first rape. We had some issues where she pissed me off at one point, but we got past it. And in the last few days, I have been dealing with the blame I still have in my first rape. I am still not quite sure how grooming works and I am working on it, but it is very difficult.

{If anyone has found any good articles on Grooming, I would love to read them.}

Today, my brother been on my case about how I deal with my rapes and divorce. Eh, maybe I will create a whole new post on this topic as it is still on going and I am not exactly sure what he means by my current divorce affects how I blame myself with my first rape. Interesting concept, right? We’ll see.

I’m sure I’ll go into more detail later about things, but this is more generally what’s been going on.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

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Silenced No More

This weekend, at my family’s Christmas / Birthday party, I told my mom about being raped. I didn’t know what she would say or react to it, but I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to hold it in much longer. I had already told my father, an aunt, my cousin, and my brother’s girlfriend, but the rest of my family, including my mother, hadn’t known about it. The last time I tried to let them know I was dealing with things was last year, but without me sharing the R word (as I still wasn’t at a point of calling it that) they were quite confused and I suppressed it for another 6 months. It has been seven years of pure silence… from the world and from my own self. I’ve noticed that the more I open up to my past, the easier it is to cope with. Granted, I have those people who cannot handle talking or thinking about the subject at hand, but for those who can, it definitely helps me break the silence a little more each time.

When talking to a friend, I mentioned how the silence kills. And it truly does. For the last seven years, I have blamed myself for that night. I couldn’t tell my mom, as I let him in my house. I couldn’t tell my friend, as she wished me luck before he came over and I couldn’t understand how she could ever understand the magnitude of rape (I know I couldn’t). I couldn’t tell a school counselor, as my school didn’t have programs like the WAR Program in a Florida school does. And the morning after, I couldn’t even break up with him. If he would have just raped me and that be the end of it, things might have turned out differently. But the morning after he raped me, I was being told by a girl I barely knew that I was called his stalker. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he confirmed it with long conversations of me begging him to stay with me. My virginity was always a special thing to me, so when he took it, it truly destroyed me. I felt broken and used and no matter what I did, I could not get my virginity back. That’s a very touchy subject I stay away because I cannot always handle the emotions that come with that right now. One thing at a time, I guess.

Anyways, after being silenced for 7+ years, I have come to a point in my life, in my recovery, that I have to speak out. I have to release this blame that I have allowed him to hold over my head for too darn long. In my head, this is not my problem anymore. I did nothing wrong and I deserve to have people know the real me, and I shouldn’t have to pretend to make others feel better. Granted, I probably will still, but at least they know and they can either decide to support me or go on their merry way. Sorry, I’ve just come to the realization that I cannot please everyone and this is my time to heal. It’s almost like I’ve been conditioned to not have my own voice or feel like I am allowed to have an opinion. I have always been a kind-hearted person. I like that about me, but I can no longer be someone’s door mat. I struggle. I won’t hide that. I have a lot to deal with and I hope as each therapy session closes and more steps have been taken in my recovery, that I can have the life I deserve… one that is happy. I am determined to not be his victim anymore. I will be nobody’s victim, if I have my say.