I didn’t think this would be so difficult. I thought that once court was over and the judge granted the divorce, my life would seem more normalized. I thought that once my ex-husband moved on, I would be happy and feel some sort of peace. I mean, in my ideal situation, he would leave me alone, have limited access to our child, and I could get on a path towards happy and healthy.
The reality of the situation is that I am struggling… a lot! I am not struggling because of my want to be with my ex or jealous because he moved on, but the harsh reality that no matter what happened between us, his life has kept going and not stopped. Neither have his lies. It makes me sick hearing and seeing him with his next victim, flaunting her around our child, and confusing her. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for his next wife, but I feel worse for my daughter being thrown into the middle of it. I want to feel sorry for his girlfriend, but then again, there are so many red flags and until she can see them, she has to deal with the demons in her closet. That’s the only thing I can think of. For someone to get with him, they must have demons they haven’t dealt with. No one in their right mind would be with him. I wasn’t in my right mind, but then again, I was 19 and was raped and abused in my past (i.e., my demons).
For the last three months, at least, I have had to be so strong and sane because I was fighting for custody of our daughter. I think this weekend was the first time that I let my guard down. My daughter has been with her father since Thursday and for the first time in a long while, I cried. I see all the signs, I see his pattern, I see how much he used me, but I can’t stop it. I cannot unmake all the things he did during our marriage. I cannot stop him from dragging our daughter through the dirt. I am so glad that the judge chose me over him, but I cannot save her. I so want to save her.
So the question is… How do you move past an abuser? My ex-husband? My daughter’s father?
I know what I want and what I don’t want now. I know which steps I will take in my life before getting into another relationship. That part is not the problem. My problem is seeing all the damage and the pattern he has, but I cannot help how I feel about it. Yes, I know, one day at a time. That’s all any of us can do. I guess this is something I will have to speak to my therapist about because I am really at a loss.
For now, I will stay focused, get my life back on track, take care of my daughter the best I can, and not worry about him, as he can no longer abuse me or control me anymore. I am scared for this next step in my journey. I have been a mess the last year trying to get through this divorce, and now it’s over. I am scared to look for new jobs and all that other stuff. Nothing is holding me back, but myself. I have never gotten this far, and now I am here, it is here, and I am scared. I have a potential job in my folder that was given to me that pays more than I am making now and is fits my skills, but I am scared to read it, scared to apply for it.
Maybe it’s not just my abuser that is bothering me. Maybe everything is because this is a new world that I have never lived in before. I know they are positive steps. I have been so afraid and in fear for so long that those feelings have become comfortable for me. New feelings, emotions, events, just seem very foreign to me.
Anyways, wish I had something insightful to say. Not today.
- No Regrets: My Ex-Husband (somuchbeautyintheworld.wordpress.com)