One Year and One Day Later

One year, one day ago (November 3, 2012), I was a stay at home mom recovering from leaving a mental hospital, separated from my husband, who left that day to go to Oklahoma, with no money, no job, and no way of providing for my daughter. Within the last year, I found a job that supported my daughter while living at my moms house, fought for custody of our daughter and won. We moved out of my moms in august and my little one is striving in kindergarten after a few rough weeks. And I have now started a new job making 1/3 more money. I got my car back (after 9 weeks without), working on getting my meds straightened out, and was blessed with a larger working interview pay than what was originally offered. I now have a job that is suited towards my skills and utilized, and have the whole support of my old job which wants to stay in contact with me. And I have hope that I will be able to pay off debts and debtors and save for a new car to get back on track. I don’t know how I got here because I was scared to death to step up. As my lawyer said, I was a beaten down woman who they had to get onto for not making decisions. Along with the new job I started today, I was just asked to be a part of the newly formed Women’s Resident Council with three other women. And I shared my story with my a woman here who is just now talking about her rape and gave my story to my caseworker. This day couldn’t represent more of the person in becoming if I planned it all myself. I just have to be so grateful for all the help I had along the way because without support and standing up and speaking out for myself, I would have NEVER made it this far. Staying silent will never work. And I promise anyone who stands for what they believe and refuses to keep his or her “dirty little secret” to protect the abuser will not only help themselves heal but help others accept their own abuse. As much as I’ve wanted to cry lately (for my own abuse from my ex), I wanna cry just as much for the person I am today. I just wanted to share some positives as not everything in our life will always be negative.

Moving Froward from My Ex-Abuser

I didn’t think this would be so difficult. I thought that once court was over and the judge granted the divorce, my life would seem more normalized. I thought that once my ex-husband moved on, I would be happy and feel some sort of peace. I mean, in my ideal situation, he would leave me alone, have limited access to our child, and I could get on a path towards happy and healthy.

The reality of the situation is that I am struggling… a lot! I am not struggling because of my want to be with my ex or jealous because he moved on, but the harsh reality that no matter what happened between us, his life has kept going and not stopped. Neither have his lies. It makes me sick hearing and seeing him with his next victim, flaunting her around our child, and confusing her. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for his next wife, but I feel worse for my daughter being thrown into the middle of it. I want to feel sorry for his girlfriend, but then again, there are so many red flags and until she can see them, she has to deal with the demons in her closet. That’s the only thing I can think of. For someone to get with him, they must have demons they haven’t dealt with. No one in their right mind would be with him. I wasn’t in my right mind, but then again, I was 19 and was raped and abused in my past (i.e., my demons).

For the last three months, at least, I have had to be so strong and sane because I was fighting for custody of our daughter. I think this weekend was the first time that I let my guard down. My daughter has been with her father since Thursday and for the first time in a long while, I cried. I see all the signs, I see his pattern, I see how much he used me, but I can’t stop it. I cannot unmake all the things he did during our marriage. I cannot stop him from dragging our daughter through the dirt. I am so glad that the judge chose me over him, but I cannot save her. I so want to save her.

So the question is… How do you move past an abuser? My ex-husband? My daughter’s father?

I know what I want and what I don’t want now. I know which steps I will take in my life before getting into another relationship. That part is not the problem. My problem is seeing all the damage and the pattern he has, but I cannot help how I feel about it. Yes, I know, one day at a time. That’s all any of us can do. I guess this is something I will have to speak to my therapist about because I am really at a loss.

For now, I will stay focused, get my life back on track, take care of my daughter the best I can, and not worry about him, as he can no longer abuse me or control me anymore. I am scared for this next step in my journey. I have been a mess the last year trying to get through this divorce, and now it’s over. I am scared to look for new jobs and all that other stuff. Nothing is holding me back, but myself. I have never gotten this far, and now I am here, it is here, and I am scared. I have a potential job in my folder that was given to me that pays more than I am making now and is fits my skills, but I am scared to read it, scared to apply for it.

Maybe it’s not just my abuser that is bothering me. Maybe everything is because this is a new world that I have never lived in before. I know they are positive steps. I have been so afraid and in fear for so long that those feelings have become comfortable for me. New feelings, emotions, events, just seem very foreign to me.

Anyways, wish I had something insightful to say. Not today.

Emotional Abuse is more than just yelling

Seems like all I do lately on here is update how things have been lately. I guess this will be another one, with a twist.

Been going through divorce and custody battle (which is HELL), dealing with my baby being gone for the allotted summer visit time, and dealing with memories and emotions of the past… all while trying to get doctor visits, court dates, school, and birthday stuff done all within the last month. I don’t know how parents do this every year. I don’t see how anyone deals with a divorce or having kids with an abuser either. Before, when I was in (more of) denial, I could handle it easy-peasy, lately, seems to be more a struggle… especially since he threw a girlfriend into the works.

The more I deal with life and am reminded of things, the more I see how abusive he was and it becomes harder to deny it. To call it rape? Still haven’t gotten there. Sexual abuse? Financial abuse? Spiritual abuse? Emotional abuse? Yes, on all counts. No person deserves to be controlled the way I was. No one deserves to feel like a sex object or be demanded to do whatever someone wants and then feel guilty when it doesn’t go exactly how they want. Shoot, the other day, I was folding towels and out pops his criticism about how I was folding towels wrong.  Is there really only one way to fold towels? Am I wrong if they are neat and folded and put away? A few years ago, yes… today, hell no!

The one phrase that kept going through my mind today? ‘I am human, I stick my foot in my mouth sometimes, I’m not perfect. I asked for forgiveness, there’s nothing more I can do.’ I have to remind myself I am not perfect because for so long I had to be and I am afraid of not being a perfectionist. Emotional abuse is horrific. It’s not just someone screaming and yelling at you. It’s those who diminish everything you do, criticize you, and make you feel incompetent (among many other things). Sometimes its difficult to understand how things can be so complicated and how so many people don’t see that as Domestic Violence because the person did not hit them.

My ex said all the wrong things in the right tone of voice. He would tell me he loved me in the same sentence he would tell me that I was getting fat or was I sure I wanted to eat that or how I shouldn’t correct him or how I needed to let him be right at least once. I thought it was my fault. I thought I did things horribly wrong. He used to tell me that I was gonna leave him for a younger person, how if we ever got a divorce or separated that he would do anything and everything to get his child, and make comments about the people I dated in my past because they were a different ethnicity. Along with making comments about our daughter not being his, she being the mailman’s (which was a woman) and making other homophobic comments. All of this was “funny” to him. This was his sarcasm. He thought he was so funny. What he didn’t realize was that he was squashing the person I was and trying to mold me into what he wanted.

Even after speaking about my rapes, I asked him not to say comments about sexual or homophobic comments towards me as they trigger me and make me uncomfortable. His response? I’ll try but I cannot promise anything. Before I dealt with being raped by my female abuser, I used to lay in bed worried that I was gonna talk in my sleep about it, that he was gonna find out about what happened and blame me. I was going to go to my grave with her abuse because of the comments he made towards me. Eventually, he told me as his wife, he had a right to know about my abuse, then when I wrote it for him to read, he told me that he didn’t need to know because he knew how to handle rape victims (he used to be a cop), which was an obvious lie.

Who speaks to their spouse this way? Who thinks this is appropriate? A narcissist, controller, manipulator, abuser.

If anyone reading this has been put down by their partner and they think they have a right as your partner, please know that is not the case. The more I hear about guys and the games and relationship issues, the more I realize that I have no time or energy to deal with bull ish. After years and years of abuse, I realize that I do NOT have to settle for whoever looks my way. I am a loved individual, just like everyone else, and no matter who or what gets in my way, as long as I push forward in my healing and speak my mind when something bothers me, I can get to a better place… we all can! We don’t have to live this life silenced or confined into someone else’s mold of us. Speaking up is difficult, but so worth it in the long run.

I have never been more relieved to be away from my ex. I feel bad for his new girlfriend, but am relieved that the majority of the abuse has finally stopped… now if I can just get through this divorce in one piece 🙂

Reported my Abuser… Plus, Divorcing Another Abuser

It’s been a while since I have posted on there. It’s been a few crazy months for me.

First off, the month of April was filled with talking to prosecutor secretaries, making phone calls, reporting my abuser in the police station, meeting with a detective, digging out evidence I had of other abuse she did over a decade ago and so much more! I still do now know where the case against K is going, but I do feel loads better reporting her to the authorities, especially after they confirmed things with others who were around at that same time. For so long, I knew this little boy’s name (another one she abused), but never thought that they would FIND him and he CONFIRM IT. Obviously the cop couldn’t say much… wish I knew how the case ends, but its only been a few months.

May was full of divorce and attorney crap. I am currently divorcing (yet another) abuser that I had been married to for about 5 years. I never realized the things he was doing was abusive until speaking to my friends (finally after years of silence). He is trying for custody of our child and has pushed the divorce proceedings back for another few months. So I was dealing with possible court dates and trying to come to an agreement before we spent MORE money! Nothing was accomplished.

Now, it’s June, and my baby is with her dad for Summer visitation. Definitely something I will have to get used to. Had someone today tell me “secretly every mother is jealous of you right now.” I’m like what the hell kind of crap is that?! IF YOU EVEN KNEW WHAT I WAS REALLY GOING THROUGH. Bitch shut your mouth!

Anyways, that’s what I’ve been dealing with. And in the process, I have been trying to understand what my ex has done. So far, I have comprehended… emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse. I am still in denial about most of it, but I can feel the effects of what he has done. My friends told me that they knew he was abusive, but they didn’t realize he was THIS abusive.

I have a headache right now, but I do want to delve deeper into all of this on a different time.

Two years ago, I started dealing with being raped by my first boyfriend. I am still astounded about how different my life is and how much abuse I see that I have endured since that time. Life after rape… Yeah, that about says it all! I may be lost, but I am so much better than I was!

Choosing to Move Forward

It’s been a while since I have been on here. Guess it’s time for a little update on my life.

  1. Started therapy in September
  2. Reported my second rape in October
  3. Separated and filed for divorce in November
  4. Been trying to deal with my first rape.

victim decide to survive

Months ago, I decided that I needed to stop playing games and choose to move forward whether it be with my family or not. As I am sure I mentioned, I spent the Summer in the hospital because of suicidal thoughts that I couldn’t escape. My life was going nowhere and I felt so trapped. I wasn’t in a good place at all. Once I started therapy in September, I realized that this was my time to fight. No more getting walked on, no more hiding my pain, no more “playing nice”. I needed to become healthy and that includes healthy relationships.

When I decided this, I thought I would lose my mom as she was toxic, but I soon realized that my husband was more toxic. Every time I would take a step in the right direction, he would pull me back 4 steps. This was no good. The constant circles and the bickering were killing me inside.

I remember sitting outside in my car so determined to finally report my rape. Days later, another argument about things we talked about for a whole year and a half. That was when I decided that my marriage came second and I came first. I was more worried about losing myself again than losing my marriage. Maybe my husband could see that because that was when things just started crumbling.

I honestly cant remember when or how I went to the police station to report but I did. The women’s center lady came with me and it was done within 30 minutes. I still haven’t heard back from them, but I am not so worried about that right now. At least it is filed. I have been trying to do that for a year and have been kicking myself for not speaking up for 8 years. So it was about time.

To be honest, I think that my marriage ended the way it did because I would not have sex with my husband once. I have only turned him down twice in 5 years, and both times he threw a fit saying “Let me know when I can touch MY WIFE” and proceeding to leave or sleep on the couch. If anyone has been a victim, they know that sometimes flashbacks and nightmares mess things up in your head. He couldn’t understand that. All he knew was that he spent all this money and did all this stuff for our date night, only to get no sex.

I see my therapist every Tuesday and most of the time we are and were talking about things that happened within our marriage. I have realized a lot wrong with my marriage and things I need to work on. But I have also realized that I deserve better and my husband is unwilling to do that, no matter how many times he NOW begs to get back together, after HE filed for divorce (which he blames on his sister).

But besides that, every now and then, I am able to speak of my first rape. We had some issues where she pissed me off at one point, but we got past it. And in the last few days, I have been dealing with the blame I still have in my first rape. I am still not quite sure how grooming works and I am working on it, but it is very difficult.

{If anyone has found any good articles on Grooming, I would love to read them.}

Today, my brother been on my case about how I deal with my rapes and divorce. Eh, maybe I will create a whole new post on this topic as it is still on going and I am not exactly sure what he means by my current divorce affects how I blame myself with my first rape. Interesting concept, right? We’ll see.

I’m sure I’ll go into more detail later about things, but this is more generally what’s been going on.

Anyway, thank you for reading.