New Things and Unfortunate Encounters

I have been meaning to post here in the last few months as much has changed in my life. If I could find the time in this busy world, I would have written a lot. I am going to try to dedicate time on the weekends to posting.

  • I now know what sex is, not abuse
  • Thinking about telling my mom about my first abuser and the extent of her abuse
  • Possibly, find different avenues to break the silence
  • I tried to find out what happened with my first abusers case
  • Ran into her the next day, outside my mom’s house
  • Looking for volunteer opportunities to help abused people

I will talk more about the first one later on, and the others at a different point. I think its very difficult to process where I with all of that. My religious standing has been non-existent for months now. I struggle spiritually and need to take my own time and not have anyone force that part of my life. Seeing my abuser after 14 year was a bit chaotic in my brain for a day or two.

So, I have been trying to contact the police department to see what happened to my abusers case. I talked to a prosecutor secretary and went last April 4th to the police to speak to a corporal and then a detective. I then met with the detective to give my evidence that I had from the year 2000! Surprised I held onto it. But anyways, I did all that and kinda shut down. Talking that much about something I never dealt with really affected me, especially since I had just started a new job a week before. Crazy timing!

Well, months had passed. Friends and support asked how the case was going, but I never responded because I could not get up enough courage to find out. I did find out back then that they had found the three or four people I had mentioned and that they had confirmed my statement. But as far as her trial, still nothing.

So I went to the police department, instead of calling, because calling got me nowhere. In the past, the detective said he didn’t know and would look into it and call me back, with no results or communication. So, I went. Shook the whole time, had a mini break down on the way home. And then tried to tell myself that what I did was a good thing, even though I didn’t feel strong enough.

Without that being in my head at all, I was at my moms house going grocery shopping with my step dad. When we returned home. My abuser and her mother were walking down the street. By the time we turned the corner, she was at my car door. I stared down, didn’t do anything but look at my phone. I couldn’t react because my step dad had no clue the trauma this female put me through. And it was not the time to mention it.

I am still shocked that I saw her. So many thoughts ran through my head. Is she living at her moms? Is she on bail? Is her agreement with the courts that she has to live at home? Is she a sex offender? Is she not? Does she know that I am the one that told on her? How will I ever stay the weekend over there knowing there is a possibility that she is down the street? I promised my mom I would house sit this weekend, but was I strong enough to do it?

I have no answers.

I talked this all out with my therapist on Monday, and I still have no answers. I shut down. I can’t handle it or process it. Maybe part of me doesn’t want to deal with it. Maybe I am trying to see how far I can hide from this before I HAVE to deal with it.

I don’t have any or all the answers. I know that I will get through this. I will work through it. I am stronger than I was over a decade ago. I have support and strength behind me that will push me forward. My therapist continuously asks me what it is that keeps me on the path I am on. I don’t know what it is. I have a passion and strength and determination to move on with my life and help others. I will continue to work on my own healing and help others when I can. That is just who I am.

This little bump in the road was going to happen no matter what. It was only inevitable. Her mom lives down the street from my mom. I am surprised it took two years for that fear I had to catch up with reality. I know I need to confront things and there is a reason why it happened now, just like there was a reason I found about it last year. I will face this. It wont hide, no matter how much I want it to. Anyone who thinks they can hide from their abuse is only fooling themselves.


Reported my Abuser… Plus, Divorcing Another Abuser

It’s been a while since I have posted on there. It’s been a few crazy months for me.

First off, the month of April was filled with talking to prosecutor secretaries, making phone calls, reporting my abuser in the police station, meeting with a detective, digging out evidence I had of other abuse she did over a decade ago and so much more! I still do now know where the case against K is going, but I do feel loads better reporting her to the authorities, especially after they confirmed things with others who were around at that same time. For so long, I knew this little boy’s name (another one she abused), but never thought that they would FIND him and he CONFIRM IT. Obviously the cop couldn’t say much… wish I knew how the case ends, but its only been a few months.

May was full of divorce and attorney crap. I am currently divorcing (yet another) abuser that I had been married to for about 5 years. I never realized the things he was doing was abusive until speaking to my friends (finally after years of silence). He is trying for custody of our child and has pushed the divorce proceedings back for another few months. So I was dealing with possible court dates and trying to come to an agreement before we spent MORE money! Nothing was accomplished.

Now, it’s June, and my baby is with her dad for Summer visitation. Definitely something I will have to get used to. Had someone today tell me “secretly every mother is jealous of you right now.” I’m like what the hell kind of crap is that?! IF YOU EVEN KNEW WHAT I WAS REALLY GOING THROUGH. Bitch shut your mouth!

Anyways, that’s what I’ve been dealing with. And in the process, I have been trying to understand what my ex has done. So far, I have comprehended… emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse. I am still in denial about most of it, but I can feel the effects of what he has done. My friends told me that they knew he was abusive, but they didn’t realize he was THIS abusive.

I have a headache right now, but I do want to delve deeper into all of this on a different time.

Two years ago, I started dealing with being raped by my first boyfriend. I am still astounded about how different my life is and how much abuse I see that I have endured since that time. Life after rape… Yeah, that about says it all! I may be lost, but I am so much better than I was!

My Decision to Report My Rapist

The other day, after my therapist session, I asked my husband if he would go with me to report my rape. With very little interest, he shrugged it off. It was like I was going to have to beg him. The only response I got was, I can stay out in the car. He would rather wait outside for me while I report the rape, than be by my side helping and supporting me through the toughest thing I will probably ever do.

It took me so long to tell him my plans to report the rape. I literally waited like 3 days because we were so busy with work and school. And then the day I knew I was gonna tell him, I stared at him, walked through the store with him, and laid with him with my stomach in knots over the whole conversation. When I blurted it out, he asked me if I was going to go down to the town it happened in, if I would be ready to go to court if it went that far, and what brought me to this decision.

I am ready to confront my rapist. I am ready to talk to the police. Not that I am not scared out of my mind, but I am now at the point where I have to finally stand up for the 15 year old girl inside me, who was too weak to stand up to her boyfriend. And I am ready to go to court if it goes that far. I highly doubt it will go farther than just a police report and statement, but if it does, I will prepare myself when the time comes. I have beat myself up time and time again because I didn’t go to the police, tell my mom, go to the hospital, or any of that. I cannot change what he did, and I cannot change what I didn’t do. All I can do is stand up and say that what happened was not right and that he cannot get away with hurting me. Granted, he did. But if he tries something again, hopefully my report will help another victim.

What brought me to my final decision was the nightmare I had two weeks ago. It played with my mind so much that I wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore. That seems to be a common phrase of mine, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Along with that, I read or watched something where the victim reported the rape or went to court (can’t really remember at the moment). It got so hard driving past the hospital or police station or schools or anything that reminded me of what I didn’t do. So then and there, I had a plan. Tell the husband, call the nearest rape crisis center, make a special appointment with my therapist, and finally go to the police station after contacting a rape victim advocate.

As of now, my therapist knows my plans, the two rape crisis centers I’ve talked to made me feel like an idiot, and I haven’t heard back from either one of them. Guess they are sending me the message that since it happened years ago, it doesn’t matter anymore. I guess to them, I don’t matter. (Sorry.) So since they were no help, I am trying to find out what police department covers where it happened, since the town doesn’t have a police department. Now that my husband seems to care less what my plans are, I find myself procrastinating my next step… calling the sheriffs office and finding out who to get in contact with. It sure does feel like rape victims have to jump through hoops to get anything done. I wish I had an advocate to tell me how this process works. I am so clueless.

Hoping tomorrow I am stronger… strong enough to call the sheriffs department. I find myself having to remind myself why I am doing this. I see why victims change their mind about reporting it. It isn’t an easy thing to do. One thing that keeps crossing my mind is whether or not they will believe me. Of course there are pieces to my story I don’t remember. I suppressed them for over seven years. BUT, what I am certain is that I said “no, please don’t, I’m not ready yet, please stop J.” I know what I said and how he made me feel. I know the date it happened, where it happened, and who was NOT home when it happened.

Maybe I should share my story of what happened that night, maybe in my next post. I have found that sharing my story helps me relieve some of the burden that I have allowed him to place on me.