Reported my Abuser… Plus, Divorcing Another Abuser

It’s been a while since I have posted on there. It’s been a few crazy months for me.

First off, the month of April was filled with talking to prosecutor secretaries, making phone calls, reporting my abuser in the police station, meeting with a detective, digging out evidence I had of other abuse she did over a decade ago and so much more! I still do now know where the case against K is going, but I do feel loads better reporting her to the authorities, especially after they confirmed things with others who were around at that same time. For so long, I knew this little boy’s name (another one she abused), but never thought that they would FIND him and he CONFIRM IT. Obviously the cop couldn’t say much… wish I knew how the case ends, but its only been a few months.

May was full of divorce and attorney crap. I am currently divorcing (yet another) abuser that I had been married to for about 5 years. I never realized the things he was doing was abusive until speaking to my friends (finally after years of silence). He is trying for custody of our child and has pushed the divorce proceedings back for another few months. So I was dealing with possible court dates and trying to come to an agreement before we spent MORE money! Nothing was accomplished.

Now, it’s June, and my baby is with her dad for Summer visitation. Definitely something I will have to get used to. Had someone today tell me “secretly every mother is jealous of you right now.” I’m like what the hell kind of crap is that?! IF YOU EVEN KNEW WHAT I WAS REALLY GOING THROUGH. Bitch shut your mouth!

Anyways, that’s what I’ve been dealing with. And in the process, I have been trying to understand what my ex has done. So far, I have comprehended… emotional abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse. I am still in denial about most of it, but I can feel the effects of what he has done. My friends told me that they knew he was abusive, but they didn’t realize he was THIS abusive.

I have a headache right now, but I do want to delve deeper into all of this on a different time.

Two years ago, I started dealing with being raped by my first boyfriend. I am still astounded about how different my life is and how much abuse I see that I have endured since that time. Life after rape… Yeah, that about says it all! I may be lost, but I am so much better than I was!

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After Reading My Rapists Reply

I do have to admit, although we know rapists are dumb, they are pretty smart too. They seem to get everyone on their side, play the victim, and get the REAL victim to blame themselves and hold onto their guilt. They don’t live with the consequences, the victims do. And only a small percentage are ever reported and even fewer put in prison. About 5% is a pretty tiny number. What other crime happens that the victim and everyone around them say it’s their fault? None. That’s right. So no wonder they don’t get convicted. In the court room, the guilty party is the victim who has to practically prove their innocence. This needs to change. Society needs to change. Rapists need NOT to rape! Nobody asks for it. If they didn’t say yes, it was rape. I don’t care what you “think” the person wanted. They HAVE to give consent! And we have HAVE to start believing the victims. The trauma never goes away. The survivors need to be accepted and given time to put their lives together. I don’t care if it was 1 month ago or 8 years ago. Rape is rape. And we all heal at our own speed. Will you stand up for your loved ones?

Why Many Survivors Struggle with Acquaintance Rape

“The consequences of acquaintance rape are often far-reaching. Once the actual rape has occurred and has been identified as rape by the survivor, she is faced with the decision of whether to disclose to anyone what has happened… The percentage of survivors reporting the rape is so low for several reasons. Self-blame is a recurring response which prevents disclosure. Even if the act has been conceived as rape by the survivor, there is often an accompanying guilt about not seeing the sexual assault coming before it was too late. This is often directly or indirectly reinforced by the reactions of family or friends in the form of questioning the survivor’s decisions… People normally relied upon for support by the survivor are not immune to subtly blaming the victim. Another factor which inhibits reporting is the anticipated response of the authorities. Fear that the victim will again be blamed adds to apprehension about interrogation. The duress of reexperiencing the attack and testifying at a trial, and a low conviction rate for acquaintance rapists, are considerations as well.”

American Academy of Experts on Traumatic Stress

My Decision to Report My Rapist

The other day, after my therapist session, I asked my husband if he would go with me to report my rape. With very little interest, he shrugged it off. It was like I was going to have to beg him. The only response I got was, I can stay out in the car. He would rather wait outside for me while I report the rape, than be by my side helping and supporting me through the toughest thing I will probably ever do.

It took me so long to tell him my plans to report the rape. I literally waited like 3 days because we were so busy with work and school. And then the day I knew I was gonna tell him, I stared at him, walked through the store with him, and laid with him with my stomach in knots over the whole conversation. When I blurted it out, he asked me if I was going to go down to the town it happened in, if I would be ready to go to court if it went that far, and what brought me to this decision.

I am ready to confront my rapist. I am ready to talk to the police. Not that I am not scared out of my mind, but I am now at the point where I have to finally stand up for the 15 year old girl inside me, who was too weak to stand up to her boyfriend. And I am ready to go to court if it goes that far. I highly doubt it will go farther than just a police report and statement, but if it does, I will prepare myself when the time comes. I have beat myself up time and time again because I didn’t go to the police, tell my mom, go to the hospital, or any of that. I cannot change what he did, and I cannot change what I didn’t do. All I can do is stand up and say that what happened was not right and that he cannot get away with hurting me. Granted, he did. But if he tries something again, hopefully my report will help another victim.

What brought me to my final decision was the nightmare I had two weeks ago. It played with my mind so much that I wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore. That seems to be a common phrase of mine, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Along with that, I read or watched something where the victim reported the rape or went to court (can’t really remember at the moment). It got so hard driving past the hospital or police station or schools or anything that reminded me of what I didn’t do. So then and there, I had a plan. Tell the husband, call the nearest rape crisis center, make a special appointment with my therapist, and finally go to the police station after contacting a rape victim advocate.

As of now, my therapist knows my plans, the two rape crisis centers I’ve talked to made me feel like an idiot, and I haven’t heard back from either one of them. Guess they are sending me the message that since it happened years ago, it doesn’t matter anymore. I guess to them, I don’t matter. (Sorry.) So since they were no help, I am trying to find out what police department covers where it happened, since the town doesn’t have a police department. Now that my husband seems to care less what my plans are, I find myself procrastinating my next step… calling the sheriffs office and finding out who to get in contact with. It sure does feel like rape victims have to jump through hoops to get anything done. I wish I had an advocate to tell me how this process works. I am so clueless.

Hoping tomorrow I am stronger… strong enough to call the sheriffs department. I find myself having to remind myself why I am doing this. I see why victims change their mind about reporting it. It isn’t an easy thing to do. One thing that keeps crossing my mind is whether or not they will believe me. Of course there are pieces to my story I don’t remember. I suppressed them for over seven years. BUT, what I am certain is that I said “no, please don’t, I’m not ready yet, please stop J.” I know what I said and how he made me feel. I know the date it happened, where it happened, and who was NOT home when it happened.

Maybe I should share my story of what happened that night, maybe in my next post. I have found that sharing my story helps me relieve some of the burden that I have allowed him to place on me.

Writing a Letter to My Rapist

A few weeks ago, when I went to the therapist, I had to address a nightmare where my rapist tried to confront me with my allegations. For months now, I have wanted to confront my ex-boyfriend with how he made me feel, but the night I had the bad dream, I was petrified of him, running from him and so scared when I was cornered in a room with only the two of us. He kept trying to persuade me that it was only sex, and not rape. Luckily, my daughter walked into the room and woke me up. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.

After the dream, I couldn’t understand why I felt so petrified and pathetic in my dream when, for months, I’ve wanted to confront him and let him know that he raped me. After talking to my therapist about the dream and my feelings of confronting him, he gave me homework… write two letters to both of my attackers letting them know what they did, how they made me feel and what I want them to do with the information I have given them. I wrote the letter to (lets call him) J in like 30 minutes. Emotional and angry. But when I tried to write the letter to (lets call her) K, it took me three hours to get down only three sentences. I didn’t wanna face her, not even in a letter written for myself. It was pathetic! I guess I am just not ready to deal with her, but I am him. Here is the first letter that I shared with the therapist Wednesday…

Dear J,

For the last seven years, I have been plagued by the memory of you. I have held so much blame and guilt for the night that I couldn’t comprehend. On March 5, 2004 (yes, I remember the day), you raped me. I told you over and over NO, I’M NOT READY and PLEASE STOP but you wouldn’t. I was so petrified of what my first experience would be like, and in no way, did I want my first time to be rape. I did NOT consent to have sex with you. It was like you couldn’t even hear me. You barely said two words to me and couldn’t even acknowledge my pleas for you to not pursue me. Not to mention how crappy you made me feel (all over again) the next morning when I found out you were trying to have sex with another girl. She begged me to break up with you after they found out I was your girlfriend and NOT your stalker, but I felt like you took something precious from me and I didn’t feel like I had any right to break up with you. I felt like a slut for “giving it up” at such an early age, but the FACT is, is that you took it. I guess in the three weeks we dated, I didn’t “put out” soon enough for you. You stole my virginity from me. I didn’t give it to you. I wanted to wait. I wanted to do it when I was ready, and I guess it was dumb of me to expect you to RESPECT my wishes! I wish I never met you! You were only after one thing the whole time we were together, weren’t you? Time after time, all I can ever remember is how you kept trying to get me to “pleasure” you. Why, when I said no those times, you stopped? Why couldn’t you stop the night you raped me? Did your friends think you were cool when you told them we had sex? Did it make you feel like a man when I laid there pleading with you to stop? You have kept me silent for too long. I have held this burden for almost 8 years, and I will no longer hold this in anymore. I am not to blame. I am not the guilty party here. What you did was a crime. You have no right pressuring someone when they tell you they are not ready. NO MEANS NO. Not once did I say yes or consent to anything that happened that night. Because of you, I now have to find a way to put back the pieces of my life. Because of you, I am in therapy trying to undo what you did. Because of you, I struggle to find that happiness that I so deserve! I want you to feel remorse for what you did to me and how you have made me feel for the last 7 years. I want you to know how violated you made me feel and how sick I get when I think of you. I never could understand how a boyfriend could rape his girlfriend. If so, I probably would have told someone. I wish I did. I trusted you. You came into my house and used all those vulnerabilities against me to get your way! I want you to admit what you did and sincerely be sorry for raping me. In fact, how about this, I want you to plead guilty when I report your butt to the police. Yes, I am reporting you. It’s taken me seven years, but it will be on police record. This is not my burden to bear anymore… it’s yours. This is all on you. Stand up to it. You can only run from it for so long.

Sincerely,

Your victim no more

I’m sure I will edit or add onto this, but for now, this is where I am. I hate the fact that for over 7 years, I couldn’t call it rape. I still struggle with seeing what I did wrong and not him. I mean, maybe I gave him mixed signals. Maybe he thought no means yes. It doesn’t! I am tired of being silent. I am tired of this being MY burden to bear. The silence is the hardest part!  I want to tell my family. I want to be free of this. I want to report it. And when I am prepared, I WILL. If the victim advocates won’t help me, I will figure something out!

Thanks for listening.