In April 2012, I sent my rapist a letter I had been working on with a therapist months before. I didn’t expect him to reply or admit what he did, but I needed to do it for myself. I found his facebook account and sent it at 11pm one night, by 6am, I had my response. It gave me so much anxiety and ruined my day, but I don’t regret doing it. I used that anxiety and anger I had to reply back to him. I haven’t heard back (other than his two or three sentences of lies), and he has recently deactivated his facebook account. I initially thought he blocked me (months later) but I now know the page doesn’t exist at all. I am not heartbroken at all, in fact, I am glad I got to say what I did before I lost my chance. If anyone else feels they need to confront their rapist, make sure you are strong enough and have support, just in case it doesn’t go well.
If you have any questions or comments you don’t want to post on here, please feel free to email me at krisahannah {at} gmail {dot} com.
My message to him:
Hi Jack.
Do you remember me? Cause I sure remember you. We only dated for 6 weeks in high school. But for the last 8 years, I have been plagued by the memory of you. I have held so much blame and guilt for the night that I couldn’t comprehend. On March 5, 2004 (yes, I remember the day), you raped me. I told you over and over NO, I’M NOT READY and PLEASE STOP but you wouldn’t. I was so petrified of what my first experience would be like, and in no way, did I want my first time to be rape. I did NOT consent to have sex with you. It was like you couldn’t even hear me. You barely said two words to me and couldn’t even acknowledge my pleas for you to not pursue me. Not to mention how crappy you made me feel (all over again) the next morning when I found out you were trying to have sex with other girls. They begged me to break up with you after they found out I was your girlfriend and NOT your stalker, but you took something precious from me and I didn’t feel like I had any right to break up with you. I felt like a slut for “giving it up” at such an early age, but the FACT is, is that you took it. I guess in the three weeks we dated, I didn’t “put out” soon enough for you. You stole my virginity from me. I didn’t give it to you. I wanted to wait. I wanted to do it when I was ready, and I guess it was dumb of me to expect you to RESPECT my wishes! I wish I never met you! You were only after one thing the whole time we were together, weren’t you? Time after time, all I can ever remember is how you kept trying to get me to pleasure you. Why, when I said no those times, you stopped? Why couldn’t you stop the night you raped me? Did your friends think you were cool when you told them we had sex? Did it make you feel like a man when I laid there pleading with you to stop? You have kept me silent for too long. I have held this burden for 8 years, and I will no longer hold this in anymore. I am not to blame. I am not the guilty party here. What you did was a crime. You have no right pressuring someone when they tell you they are not ready. NO MEANS NO. Not once did I say yes or consent to anything that happened that night. Because of you, I now have to find a way to put back the pieces of my life. Because of you, I am in therapy trying to undo what you did. Because of you, I struggle to find that happiness that I so deserve! I want you to feel remorse for what you did to me and how you have made me feel for the last 8 years. I want you to know how violated you made me feel and how sick I get when I think of you. I never could understand how a boyfriend could rape his girlfriend. If so, I probably would have told someone. I wish I did. I trusted you. You came into my house and used all those vulnerabilities against me to get your way! I want you to admit what you did and sincerely be sorry for raping me. This is not my burden to bear anymore… it’s yours. This is all on you. Stand up to it. You can only run from it for so long. You might not have thought that much of me, but that doesn’t mean I am worthless. How do you live with what you did? Oh I sure hope you didn’t hurt anyone else too!
Sincerely,
Your victim no more
His response:
Im sorry you feel like this after 8 years but I was a virgin too. In no way did you act as if that time wasn’t consensual. We then repeated the act. We also went and ate years after and you said nothing. I do not know what this is exactly about. It was high school, relationships don’t last that long. Im sorry you feel this way.
My reply:
Wow. This isn’t surprising at all. EXCEPT for the fact that you told me that you told me that you had been with someone before. For the fact that I told you I wasn’t ready. You know know what, I wasn’t even mentally there the that night because I couldn’t believe what was happening. It’s called shock. I was hoping someone would walk in because that’s how petrified I was. Oh boy i wish i reported you. You don’t know what this is about? It’s about rape jackass. The FACT that I said no and you couldn’t respect my wishes. After that night it didn’t matter what anyone did to me because I was a slut for “giving it up” to you. I was damaged goods. You did that to me. And NO we didn’t go out to eat years after. You told me through MySpace that I was the best girlfriend you ever had at the time. I’m not stupid. I know high school relationships don’t last. But really why could I say no the other times and you not listen that time. I told Krystal back then but she told me she didn’t wanna think it was a possibility that you raped me so I suppressed it for a long time. THAT’S what this is about. Because every time people mention old boyfriends or something is said about virginities I breakdown and cry. Do you even remember what happened that night? I told you my mom was going on a date and told me I could go to the movies with you. You were helping your sister move and said you could come over real quick and tell them you were doing to the store to get drinks. Why would you think I would wanna lose my virginity by a quickie. You think that it was fun for me to watch you run to the bathroom (doing who the heck knows) and then grabbing your clothes and leaving? Then to wake up the next morning and find out that you were trying to hook up with priscilla. Yeah. If you hadn’t raped me the night before, I so would have broken up with you. The only reason I stayed with you was because you stole something from me. Something precious to me. I couldn’t believe that a boyfriend could rape a girlfriend. I looked it up and looked it up and couldn’t comprehend what you did to me. I felt so much blame and guilt and shame because of that. It might have taken me a while to come to grips with your actions, but I refuse to stay silent because you think I’m a slut or whatever you think of me. Do you remember me consenting? Saying yes? From what your response was, doesn’t seem like you remember anything. Maybe you should look up stuff about rape victims because you’d see how you’ve made me feel. Stay in denial if that’s what makes you sleep better at night. Just hope nobody you know is ever raped. Denial might save you for a bit. But I know the truth and God knows the truth. Own up to it.
So no reply? Have nothing else to say? I haven’t just been feeling like this now after 8 years, I’ve been feeling this way the whole time. The difference is I was afraid and in denial. Now Im not. I just can’t get over what what you said. The lies you said. And I really can’t get over how you couldn’t see it as rape. Makes me wonder if you know what rape is. Its called date rape or acquaintance rape. Guess I should have said please don’t rape me. Maybe that would have gotten you to stop? Because clearly, “no I’m not ready, please stop jack,” didn’t get you to stop. You said we repeated the act. And yes, I let you have sex with me. I was trying to prove to myself that you didn’t rape me along with trying to make you happy. I needed us to last after what you stole from me and I knew you’d move on if I didn’t put out. I had nothing to lose. Literally. Remember the day I let you use Saran wrap in me? Do you think that was fun? Do you think I enjoyed that? THAT’S how damaged I felt. Might as well have let you f-me without a condom. Like you did the first time as I recall. We did do it two times after you raped me. In all of those times, did I look happy? Did I seem to enjoy what you were doing? Or did I lay there and do nothing? If I couldn’t stop you the first time, how could I any other time. I couldn’t make you mad or you would break up with me. I do wonder how it felt to take somebody’s choice away because that is exactly what you did. I have wondered what goes on in a rapists head. Like how enjoyable it is to rape someone who resists or pleads for you to stop. Should I have hit you? Would that have made you stop? Was my resisting not enough?
Healing Heart - Life After Rape 
Your bravery is inspirational. And it simply a reflection on our culture how he used stupid excuses to get himself out of this conversation–he is a rapist, and he refuses to acknowledge it. You are strong.
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Thank you so much for your words. I have my moments of weakness but I know that living in denial is worse than dealing with it. His response strengthened me. I knew he wouldn’t admit it. I appreciate your kindness.
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This confirmed what I need to do. I will never truly be happy until I confront my rapist. He raped me, because he couldn’t handle not having any control over me anymore. He kept manipulating me in high school to make me feel worthless, but would show up and be a false “Knight in Shining Armor”. I had enough of him, but pitied him because he lost a lot of friends by junior year… So, I hung out with him, and he raped me. Despite me trying to fight him, I was afraid to use my full strength because he would lie and try to say I’m a psycho ex girlfriend that “isn’t over” him. I did not report my rape because I knew it was my word against his… But all these years, I need to confront him. The other day, I had a feeling I need to confront him, and this confirmed that for me. It will set me free.
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I know exactly how you feel, as that’s how I felt too. It will not come without any emotion and struggles. For myself, I wrote the letter and talked about it with my therapist. I sat on the letter for 6 months until I had no other way but to confront him. So in those months, I made sure it said exactly what I wanted and went over the letter many times. However you confront your rapist, make sure you are mentally and emotionally prepared. Have a good support system just in case you need to fall back on them. I definitely did. It took a lot out of me to do this, but in the end, it was the best thing I could do for myself and my healing.
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Rape has played a major role in the demise of my family. I have been a victim for around 35 years and it is a very difficult process to live through. I would love the opportunity to write a letter to my rapist and tell him that even as a 40 year old woman, it leaves the most frightening footprint on your life. I commend you for being strong enough to go public with this information. Myself, I have chosen a more personal journey to deal with this issue, bearing in mind that I was not the only rape victim in the family. More for safety reasons than anything else. The psychological make up of this personality type will follow you to the grave, I would suggest personally the best route for getting over this is your therapist. As the website clearly explains, taking the matter up directly with the perpetrator may far worsen the situation, depending on the circumstances. My rapists were many and we were forced to move from an area to try to get away from these types of people. I wouldn’t even bother trying to go public with the memories which have come back from time to time as they only create a much bigger disturbance in life. My biggest fear is that these people seemingly go on to have their own children and their own lives when my chances of finding this have been completely and utterly devastated by all of them. They targeted me in the new area, as I was the youngest child and they threatened my life at the age of around six. I live in fear in every step that I take, even to go outside sometimes is unbearable. They told me emphatically that if I was ever to tell anyone they would kill my father. I am at a stage now where I have forgiven them, only through ongoing support and extensive counseling. My hope is that when they look at their own children each day they think about what they forced me to do over and over again for the first 10 years of my life and that God will seek justice at the end of their lives.
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In light of the recent Cosby issues all of my past remembering from my rape have come up since I was raped in the same way as these women. This guy I worked with and I was a minor at the time I was 17 he was 20- I wish I could go back and press charges on him. So after dealing with this again I am going to write an open letter on my blog and send it to him via Facebook- I cannot let another yr go by without it! I applaud you for your courage- its never easy to talk about these things.
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oh my rape occurred 30 yrs ago- in the 80’s this would have been really hard to go after – its still not easy today but much worse back then!
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